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Sex, Asperger’s and Autism

Here is an extensive list of books, articles and websites that I’ve put together on sex, Asperger’s and autism.

I’ve tried to divide these resources into two parts: Part 1. For parents, teachers, therapists, teens and preteens, and Part 2. For adults with autism and their partners who may or may not have autism.

There is some crossover between the two parts, e.g. Naked Brain Ink should be in both sections. Also, you might wonder why a few of the resources I’ve listed aren’t specifically on sex and autism. I believe it’s difficult to understand more about sex and autism if you don’t have good sense of what autism is to begin with. Some of the most highly regarded books on autism in general are NeuroTribes by Steve Silberman, Uniquely Human by Barry Prizant, and anything written by Temple Grandin (I’ve listed some of her books at the end of Part 1).

Beyond separating the following resources into Part 1 and 2, there is no way I could tell which are best for your needs, so I haven’t listed them in any particular order.

Part 1. For Parents, Teachers, Therapists, Teenagers, and Preteens

Nathan and Sylvia A brief YouTube video that tells the story of a boy with autism and his autism service dog. This video isn’t about sex. It’s about love. It’s Nathan’s story in his own words about how he was struggling terribly middle school. Then his parents got him a service dog named Sylvia who helped change his life. Sylvia became Nathan’s best friend and showed him how to do more than just live with autism. Nathan is in college now, with Sylvia still by his side. (Nathan’s high school district did not want him to bring Sylvia to school with him and tried to prevent it from happening. Nathan’s parents eventually got a law passed in their state legislature to allow autism service dogs in schools.)

Here’s Nathan’s YouTube Channel Autism ACTUALLY Speaking. He gives helpful advice on subjects like coping with change, managing anxiety, and making friends.

Sexuality: Your Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities a book by Karin Melberg Schwier & Dave Hingburger

Teaching Children with Down Syndrome about Their Bodies, Boundaries, and Sexuality An excellent book by Terri Couwenhoven, who is highly regarded and respected by sex educators and therapists for her incredible knowledge and skill in working with people who are developmentally delayed or have autism-spectrum disorders.

The Growing Up Book for Boys: What Boys on the Autism Spectrum Need to Know! by Davida Hartman, one of the most respected educators for children with autism and developmental disabilities. It explains the growth spurts, body changes and mood swings of adolescence for boys aged 9-14. This is a time when bodies start acting with a will of their own, friendships change and crushes start to develop. The “Growing Up Books” use direct language and cool colour illustrations, this book helps boys understand what they need to know about growing hair in new places, shaving, wet dreams, unexpected erections, and more.

The Growing Up Guide for Girls: What Girls on the Autism Spectrum Need to Know! by Davida Hartman. A one-stop guide for young girls that explains about puberty and adolescence. Using simple, literal language and fun colour illustrations, this book explains the facts about body changes such as growing hair in new places, periods, wearing a bra and more.

DisabilityScoop.com Disability Scoop is a news organization that provides a reliable source of information and resources for the entire disability community, including those with autism, cerebral palsy, Down syndrome, fragile X and intellectual disability. Their series such as “Scoop Essentials” takes an in-depth look at what lies beyond the day’s headlines.

Questions about Masturbation and Sexual Fantasy from an interview with Mary Greenfield at DisabilityScoop. Mary does an excellent job of explaining some of the issues involved with masturbation and sexual fantasies for parents of teens and young adults who are socially and developmentally delayed.

Making Sense of Sex: A Forthright Guide to Puberty, Sex and Relationships for People with Asperger’s Syndrome by Sarah Attwood. Covers physical changes as well as the social and emotional aspects of puberty, sex and relationships. Includes hygiene, personal care, emotional changes, moods, sexual feelings, social experiences and reproduction.

The Aspie Girl’s Guide to Being Safe with Men: The Unwritten Safety Rules No-one is Telling You “For Aspie girls and women, dating and sexual relationships can be confusing, intimidating and potentially dangerous. A lack of understanding about acceptable social interaction between men and women can leave Aspies vulnerable to negative experiences. It is vital, therefore, that the facts and unwritten rules about sexual conduct and relationships are clearly laid out for girls and women on the spectrum.”

Middle School – The Stuff Nobody Tells You About: A Teenage Girl with ASD Shares Her Experiences by Haley Moss, a teenage girl with autism. This book has received excellent reviews and comes highly recommended for middle school girls. Also, by the same girl a few years later… A Freshman Survival Guide for College Students with Autism Spectrum Disorders: The Stuff Nobody Tells You About!

Life on the Autism Spectrum – A Guide for Girls and Women by Karen McKibbin. One of the best new books on girls with autism, especially teenage girls. It follows the story of Alison, a girl diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, through both childhood and adulthood.

Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Understanding Life Experiences from Early Childhood to Old Age by Sarah Hendrickx. This is another book for about girls and women on the autism spectrum that is receiving excellent reviews.

Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew: Updated and Expanded Edition Not specifically about sex, this book offers an excellent lay of the land. It talks about things you need to know before you can help a child deal with sex and relationships.

Been There. Done That. Try This!: An Aspie’s Guide to Life on Earth Advice by several accomplished people who have Aspergers. Starts with overcoming anxiety and poor self-esteem, accepting change, living with meltdown, overcoming depression, living with sensory issues, making and keeping friends, understanding and succeeding with intimacy, dating sex and marriage, and more.

Birth Control, Pelvic Exams, History Taking, etc. with Women Women Who Are Developmentally Disabled This series of videos from the University of Kentucky is designed to help healthcare providers work with female patients who have developmental disabilities.

Teaching Parents Teaching Kids This is the website of Sorah Stein, a certified sex educator and autism specialist who is also the parent of a child with autism. Sorah’s website has information for parents on talking to their children about puberty, privacy, hygiene, sex and more. She also has more of a focus on children with IQs below 50.

The Facts of Life… and More: Sexuality and Intimacy for People With Intellectual Disabilities  The author, Leslie Walker-Hirsch, was one of the first people to understand the need to teach people with intellectual disabilities about sex. This book gives social workers, teachers, and direct support professionals the information they need to educate people with disabilities about sexuality in ways that will help them make the best possible choices across their lifespan.

The Circles Curriculum These are videos that teach boundaries and relationship-specific behaviors for students with learning disabilities, mild to severe mental disabilities, emotional handicaps, autism, sensory impairments and affective disorders. The program on intimacy and relationships is divided into two levels, the first level that helps students “see” social distance and explains levels of intimacy and how those levels can change over time, and the second level that illustrates more subtle applications of the Circles rules of social distance. There is a third program that teaches students how to recognize and avoid threatening or potentially abusive situations. Given the high price, these programs were created for schools and classrooms.

Asperger’s Syndrome And Sexuality: From Adolescence Through Adulthood by Isabelle Henault. Information and advice on issues ranging from puberty and sexual development, gender identity disorders and couples therapy to guidelines for sex education programs and maintaining sexual boundaries.

The Journal of Sexuality and DisabilityThis is THE professional journal, providing articles related to sexuality and disability/ability.

Sex Ed for the Parents and Caregivers of Children and Teens with Developmental Disabilities A whopping long .pdf from the Florida DD Council. Written by DiAnn Baxley and Anna Zendell. Another from this group: Life Span Holistic Sexuality Education For Children & Adolescents With Intellectual/Developmental Disabilities: Sexuality Policies And Procedures.

Sex Ed for Students with Special Needs A publication by Liz Sweeney with the kind of psychobabble and education-speak phrasing that you might need if you are an instructor trying to write a sex-ed proposal for a school board or district office.

Freaks, Geeks and Asperger’s Syndrome–A User Guide To Adolescence Written by a 13-year-old boy with Asperger’s, this is not about sex per se, but offers a view of what life is like for one boy with Asperger’s.This book covers some of the challenges involved in dating and negotiating adolescent friendships and romance when you have Asperger’s.  (While a book like this can be very helpful, it is the author’s own personal view of Asperger’s and will by no means apply to all kids with Asperger’s.)

The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy with Autism. A lot of reviewers say this is one of the more important books written from the perspective of a young man with autism. One of the unusual aspect’s of this young man’s autism is that he is able to describe and verbalize his experience much better than most. This by itself should be an indicator that while this may be a magnificent book, it does not describe all people with autism.

The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules: The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens with Asperger Syndrome Winner! Autism Society America Book Of The Year. Provides Asperkids with their own guide to the hidden social rules that can be very confusing, even if they seem obvious to everyone else. This book gets great reviews from parents of kids without autism, as well as teens with autism.

Social Skills for Teenagers with Developmental and Autism Spectrum Disorders: The PEERS Treatment Manual Offers parents of teens and young adults with autism, ADHD and bipolar a guide to making and keeping friends. It suggests rules and steps of social etiquette to help assist in improving conversational skills, expanding social opportunities, and developing strategies for handling peer rejection. There is also the The PEERS Curriculum for School-Based Professionals: Social Skills Training for Adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorder

The Science of Making Friends, (w/DVD): Helping Socially Challenged Teens and Young Adults by Elizabeth Laugeson, one of the co-authors of the PEERS Treatment Manual. This book gets a lot of 5-star reviews on Amazon: “With the book’s concrete rules and steps of social etiquette, parents will be able to assist in improving conversational skills, expanding social opportunities, and developing strategies for handling peer rejection. Each chapter provides lessons with clear bulleted lists of key rules and steps; and expert advice on how to present the material to a teen or young adult. Throughout the book are role-playing exercises for practicing each skill, along with homework assignments to ensure the newly learned skills can be applied easily to a school, work, or other real life setting. The attached DVD shows role-plays of skills covered, demonstrating the right and wrong way to enter conversations, schedule get-togethers, and deal with conflict.”

The Healthy Bodies Toolkit (English and Spanish)
A publication by Vanderbilt Leadership Education in Neurodevelopmental Disabilities (LEND). There are separate versions for boys and girls. Each version has a booklet for parents or teachers and supplemental materials which include storyboards and visuals. It is free and there is a Spanish version.

Disability Workshops Describes the skills that are helpful in teaching about sexuality education. Each curriculum includes 20 lessons, handouts, and a manual on leading sexuality education classes. Topics include: Types of relationships, public and private, relationship skills, decision-making and communication skills, and sexual relationship skills.

Puberty and Adolescence Resource: A Guide for Parents of Children with Autism from Autism Speaks. Helps parents teach their children about the natural changes of puberty. Provides additional strategies for preteens with ASD.

The Autism Spectrum, Sexuality and the Law: What every parent and professional needs to know by Nick Dubin, Isabelle Henault and Tony Attwood. This book gets a lot of 5-star reviews on Amazon. It examines how ASD typically affects sexuality and how sexual development differs between the general population and those with ASD. It explains the legalities of sexual behaviour.

Sexuality and Relationship Education for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorders: A Professional’s Guide to Understanding, Preventing and Responding to Inappropriate Behaviours by Davida Hartman. From a review by an ASD specialist with many years of experience: “This book should be required reading for anyone who has a kid with ASD or works with them.” Helps provide strategies regarding puberty, sexuality and relationships. Helps provide strategies regarding puberty, sexuality and relationships.

Visual Aids for Learning are designed to help improve the independence and self esteem of all people with learning difficulties. The resources have been developed in consultation with teachers trained in early childhood, primary school, high school and speech therapy. Each of these professionals is also the parent of a child with developmental delays. Visual Aids for learning—Adolescent Boy Wet Dreams and Visual Aids for Learning—Adolescent Girls. These packets help explain to your child or student the changes they are going through as adolescents and how to respond to these changes in appropriate ways.

The Ring of Safety: Teaching People with Disabilities to Be Their Own First-Line of Defense. An excellent article by Dave Hingsburger

Sex Education and Puberty from the National Autistic Society of the UK.

The Birds and the Bees ASD.org A website created by Sarah Curtiss that provides information to parents, professionals, and self-advocates on how to teach human sexuality to individuals with special needs. This very helpful site has a focus on Autism Spectrum Disorders. It provides lesson plans, teaching strategies, and other helpful information. All of the resources are free.

Resources in Spanish for Youth with Disabilities. A list of resources by Sarah Curtiss from The Birds and the Bees website.

Down Syndrome: Sexuality: Your Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities

Teaching Children with Down Syndrome about Their Bodies, Boundaries, and Sexuality. This book is by Terri Couwenhoven, who is an incredible sex educator for children with intellectual disabilities and the mother of a child with Down syndrome. The book is good for children with autism as well as Down Syndrome. It provides practical ideas for teaching children about their bodies, puberty, and sexuality. It helps parents to feel more confident in speaking to their children about these subjects.

The Boys’ Guide to Growing Up by Terri C. Couwenhoven. This book gives boys with intellectual disabilities the facts they need to navigate puberty. It is written at a third-grade reading level for boys aged 9-16 with Down syndrome, autism, cerebral palsy, mental retardation, fragile X, or other special needs.

The Girls’ Guide to Growing Up: Choices & Changes in the Tween Years by Terri C. Couwenhoven. This is an appealing and easy-to-follow guide for girls with intellectual disabilities including own syndrome, autism, cerebral palsy, mental retardation, and fragile X. It explains the physical and emotional changes girls will encounter during puberty. This book is written on a third-grade reading level for preteens or young teenaged girls to read by themselves or with a parent. It is filled with age-appropriate facts, realistic illustrations and photos, icons, and a Q&A.

The New Social Story Book, Revised and Expanded 15th Anniversary Edition: Over 150 Social Stories that Teach Everyday Social Skills to Children and Adults with Autism and their Peers by Carol Gray. This is an excellent resource to help promote social understanding in children with autism spectrum disorders (ASD).

This is Carol Gray’s excellent new website that helps you create your own Social Stories. Social Stories are social learning tool that supports the safe and meaningful exchange of information between parents, professionals, and people with autism of all ages.

NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity by Steve Silberman. Just about everyone who has ever read books about autism say that this one should be at the top of your list.

Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism From a review by Temple Grandin: “Dr. Prizant explains the causes of behaviors associated with autism. I love his approach for understanding problems with sensory overload, anxiety and discomfort. He provides common sense, practical advice based on a 40-year career working in the trenches with both parents and teachers.”

Some of the books ever written on autism by Temple Grandin:

The Way I See It: A Personal Look at Autism & Asperger’s: 32 New Subject Revised & Expanded 4th Edition,

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism,

The Autistic Brain: Helping Different Kinds of Minds Succeed,

Thinking in Pictures, Expanded Edition: My Life with Autism,

Animals Make Us Human: Creating the Best Life for Animals.

Part 2. For Adults With Autism and Their Partners Who May or May Not Have Autism

Naked Brain Ink If you are limited to only one resource on sexuality and the autism-spectrum, this would be one to consider. Created by a young woman with a unique autism perspective, you’ll also find extensive articles on everything from What Are the Greatest Myths of Autism and Sexuality to Sex Things an OB/GYN Needs to Know When Taking Care of a Patient with ASD.

Navigating Love and Autism from the New York Times Part of an excellent series titled “Autism, Grown Up–Love on the Spectrum.”

Autistics Do It Better This is a very funny and insightful post about John Scott Holman’s first sexual experience, and how far he’s come since then. (Warning: This article violates the #1 rule of all things written on Asperger’s and autism: IT HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR!)

What It’s Like to Have Sex with Someone Who Has Asperger’s by Penelope Trunk. This article should be required reading for anyone with Asperger’s who wants to have sex, or anyone whose partner has Autism Spectrum issues.

The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to Be a Better Husband by David Finch. If four hundred 4+ ratings on Amazon count for anything, then this very funny book should be golden. And if there’s one thing I can assure you, finding books on autism by authors who have a sense of humor is rare and to truly be valued. From the publisher: “At some point in nearly every marriage, a wife finds herself asking, What the @#!% is wrong with my husband?! In David Finch’s case, this turns out to be an apt question. Five years after he married Kristen, the love of his life, they learn that he has Asperger syndrome. The diagnosis explains David’s ever-growing list of quirks and compulsions, but it doesn’t make him any easier to live with. Determined to change, David sets out to understand Asperger syndrome and learn to be a better husband with an endearing yet hilarious zeal. His methods for improving his marriage involve excessive note-taking, performance reviews, and most of all, the Journal of Best Practices: a collection of hundreds of maxims and hard-won epiphanies, including ‘Don’t change the radio station when she’s singing along’ and ‘Apologies do not count when you shout them.'”

Sex, Sexuality And The Autism Spectrum a book by Wendy Lawson that includes information about same sex relationships and transgender issues.

Dating and Relationships for People with Learning and Developmental Disabilities by sexuality training specialist Mary Greenfield in an interview at DisabilityScoop.

Love, Sex and Long-Term Relationships: What People With Asperger Syndrome Really Really Want a book by Sarah Hendrickx. This book can be helpful for people who don’t have Asperger’s but are in a relationship with someone who does.

Asperger Syndrome – A Love Story a book by Sarah Hendrickx and Keith Newton. This is written by a young man with Asperger’s and his wife who doesn’t have Asperger’s.

Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work a book by Katrin Bentley. It’s interesting how hot or cold the reader reviews are on this book by the wife of a husband with Asperger’s. Perhaps she is more straightforward about how critical and difficult he can be, and this makes it more difficult for people to understand why she has stayed with him. Or maybe other books present a greater range of Asperger-like behaviors, and it’s easier to generalize from them if your spouse’s behavior doesn’t mirror that of this author’s husband.

Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner (The New Harbinger Loving Someone Series) A number of reviewers find this book to be very helpful, but keep in mind the author mainly focuses on one type of Asperger’s. If you or your partner have this type of Asperger’s, then you’ll get very good information from this book.

Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford, another wife of an Aspie dude. One of the more upbeat books by women who marry men on the Autism spectrum, this book includes a number of solutions that other couples have found helpful.

22 Things a Woman With Asperger’s Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know One of the “22 Things” books by Rudy Simone, a woman who has Asperger’s herself and is able to write about in ways that are intuitive and easy to understand.

22 Things a Woman Must Know: If She Loves a Man With Asperger’s Syndrome Also by Rudy Simone.

Aunt Aspie’s Weapon of Mass Instruction Wisdom, one-liners, and occasional advice from Rudy Simone, the author of the award-winning books “Aspergirls”, “Aspergers on the Job”, and the “22 Things” series on relationships. This is for people who need an alphabetical, philosophical, lighthearted guide to some serious issues: social, sensory, cognitive, executive functioning, dating, procreating, even stomach issues.

Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life This is considered to be one of the best books by a woman with Asperger’s on what it’s like to be a woman with Asperger’s. Cythia Kim’s other highly regarded book is the brief I Think I Might Be Autistic: A Guide to Autism Spectrum Disorder Diagnosis and Self-Discovery for Adults.

Autism in Love is a feature length documentary that explores the lives of four autistic adults as they pursue and manage romantic relationships.

Asperger Syndrome—A Love Story From the publisher: “Open, honest and upbeat, this book gives personal insight into both the ups and downs of an Asperger relationship. Seeking to challenge the bad press that people with Asperger Syndrome (AS) get as partners, Sarah and Keith tell their story of how they are making it work – and also how they got it wrong.”

Ramon Selove is a Professor of Anatomy and Physiology at a college in Virginia. He has Autism (the Asperger’s variety). Here is what Ramon has written about Body Mapping, which should help anyone with Asperger’s or a partner with Asperger’s to better enjoy having sex together. This is Ramon’s story of his childhood back before Asperger’s had a name.

Boyfriends & Girlfriends: A Guide to Dating for People with Disabilities The author of this book, Terri Couwenhoven, is one of the most wonderful and respected people in the field. This is her new book for teens and adults with intellectual or developmental disabilities.

There are extensive forums at Wrong Planet about many aspects of sex and relationships. Enter the word SEX or more specific terms like MASTURBATION in the search box. You’ll find there are hundreds of threads.

I’m Autistic, My Husband’s Not. This couple’s goal is to answer 20 questions about their relationship. This article is part 1. It provides another helpful look into the lives of two people who are taking on the challenges that life has thrown their way.

There is controversy within the Autism-Spectrum Community about the books and theories of Maxine Aston. Some people feel there is a demonization of individuals with autism-spectrum issues and that it is done with a heavy hand and little regard for science, others praise her work. I suggest you give it a read and decide if all or parts of Ms. Aston’s work is helpful for your situation.

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A Guide to Living in an Intimate Relationship with a Partner who is on the Autism Spectrum—Second Edition by Maxine Aston. This is the second edition of Ms. Ashton’s highly regarded book. It explains Asperger Syndrome, discusses whether or not seeking an autism diagnosis will help, and offers simple strategies for coping with a range of relationship challenges including communication, social, and intimacy difficulties.

“Asperger Syndrome in the Bedroom” by Maxine Aston Ms. Aston describes some of the issues that impact couples where one or both partners have autism-spectrum issues, and offers ways to cope. These issues include sensory sensitivity, obsessive interests and motor clumsiness.

What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know About Women, Dating and Relationships by Maxine Aston and Tony Atwood. This book provides answers to the questions that men with Asperger men’s frequently ask about women, dating and relationships. It helps them understand the way relationships work and increasing their confidence and ability to have successful relationships.

Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs by Maxine Aston. This book examines the aspects of relationships that are often complicated by Asperger’s. With real-life examples, it tackles issues such as attraction, trust, communication, intimacy and parenting and includes a section on frequently asked questions.

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A guide to an Intimate Relationship with a Partner who has Asperger Syndrome by Maxine Aston.

Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs a book by Maxine Aston.

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