Let’s say you just moved back home with your mom and dad and the last thing you want is for the whole house to know when you’re having sex thanks to a squeaky bed.
This is easier said than done, given how intercourse can turn a bed into a battering ram. The entire bed will sway toward the foot with each out-thrust and toward the head with each in-thrust. So if it’s hitting the wall, try moving the bed away from the wall. If that doesn’t work, stabilize it by cramming pillows or gasket-like material between the headboard and the wall.
A frequent culprit is the frame. If it’s metal, consider putting oil on the rivets or where the pieces of the frame join together. If it’s bolted together, undo the bolts and see if inserting plastic washers might help. If the bed has a headboard or footboard, check where the side rails connect to it. Tighten anything that can be tightened. Try shoving material in areas where metal might be rubbing against metal. Check the lateral or side-to-side support on the frame. You might need to add some boards or extra slats between the side rails.
If the box springs are a source of noise, make sure the mattress is centered on the box springs. You can also try putting a piece of foam or plywood between the mattress and box springs.
Squeaky box springs can be insidious and require surgery. If so, carefully remove the cloth cover on the bottom of the box spring. If you find a broken spring, cut it out. There are usually more springs than you need, so no one will be the wiser. If the springs are being held in place by screws, try tightening them. Lubricate squeaky springs with a spritz of WD-40 or vegetable oil, but be careful not to overspray and stain the fabric.
Don’t ignore where the frame meets the floor. If that’s a source of noise, put large rubber caster cups under the legs so there’s insulation between the legs and the floor. Also, the floor boards might have become soft or squeaky in the area where the bed is located. If so, it’s time to rearrange the furniture. If that fails, try putting the mattress on the floor or invest in a platform bed.
If you tormented your mattress mercilessly as a kid by jumping on it every day, it might be getting revenge on you now. If so, nothing short of a trip to the dump will do.