Dear Dr. Paul,
My new boyfriend is wonderful and I really want to have sex with him. But he’s huge—porn sized and then some. I’m only 5’ 2” and worried he won’t fit. I’ve had intercourse with other guys, with no problem, but he’s way bigger. Do you have any advice?
Yes, I have advice.
One of the dumbest things that people tell women with partners who are really big is “a baby can pass through your vagina…” Seriously? Have you ever heard a woman in labor who’s trying to push a baby out? Intercourse isn’t supposed to be like that.
As for your height and weight, I’m not so sure that’s a determining factor. I interviewed a woman who is as petite as can be. Her husband’s penis is in the 98th percentile for size, and she’s never had any problem with intercourse. But another woman who is 5′ 10″ might have trouble with a penis that’s average size. So you can’t predict.
I am assuming you have had a recent exam and have talked to a gynecologist about this. If there is a source of pain that is independent of your partner’s penis, it is essential you resolve it first.
Then I would suggest you and Thor call it quits on any attempts at intercourse for the next month or two. There are lots of ways you can please each other sexually besides intercourse.
Here’s a way for you to get him off orally without dislocating your jaw:
This can feel so good a lot of guys won’t be able to tell it’s not a traditional blowjob. Focus your lips on the sensitive frenulum area while cradling the penis with your hand. This area is just beneath the head of the penis. Use lots of saliva and put plenty of tongue into it—almost like you are French kissing this part of his penis. Occasionally fill your hand with your hot breath.
Also learn to give him handjobs that are beyond anything he’s ever experienced before, here’s a preview of Hegre’s Mind Blowing Boner Massage. (Hegre.com is an upscale porn site, but it also has some great genital massage videos that can inspire anyone to do great genital massage. Or try doing a browser search for the the Mind Blowing Boner Massage title.)
As for fitting his penis into your vagina, consider working on some or all of the following during your vacation from any attempts at having intercourse:
1. Have your partner squirt a generous amount of sex lube on his fingertips (lube with silicone rather than something that will quickly dry out like KY). He can gently clasp the outer lips of your vulva between his thumb and forefinger and do a small circular massage on one area at a time. Tell him what feels good and what doesn’t. He should massage as deeply as is comfortable for you, then move to an adjoining spot. His goal is not to stretch the skin, but to get the blood circulating deep inside of the folds. He should do your entire vulva, including the outer lips, inner lips and the clitoral hood.
2. Then, when you are highly aroused, he can gently insert a well-lubricated finger into your vagina and rest it there. If it feels okay, he might insert a second finger and eventually a third. Breathe deep and work on relaxing your vagina when his fingers are in. He or you should then try stimulating your clitoris while his fingers are still inside your vagina. If you can have an orgasm while his fingers are in you, it will help train your vagina to allow a penis that’s bigger than it’s used to.
3. If it’s comfortable, you and your boyfriend can practice what the midwives and obstetricians call “perineal massage.” He inserts a well-lubricated thumb into the opening of your highly aroused vagina and rests it there. His forefinger should be on the outside, resting on the skin that’s between your vulva and anus. He then clasps the tissue that’s between his thumb and forefinger and massages it as well as gently pushing down. This stimulates the part of your vagina that stretches wider when you have intercourse. (The ceiling of a vagina doesn’t stretch very much, as the pubic bone is right above it. It’s the part that’s next to your bum that stretches.)
You and he should do steps 1 to 3 at least a couple of times a week until the floor of your vagina can more easily relax.
4. You might also try what’s called “femoral intercourse,” but it isn’t intercourse at all. It is where your partner lies on his back and you lube up his penis and the lips of your vulva. You then straddle him and ride back and forth along the length of his well-lubed penis as it is lying against his belly. Think of your vulva as being like a hotdog bun, and his penis is like a Ballpark Frank. You slide up and down the length of the dog, enjoying the sensations without him trying to steal home. Be sure to use birth control. His penis is not going into your vagina, but he’s going to ejaculate near the opening of your vagina and that’s reason enough to call out the contraceptives. (You can also do femoral intercourse with him on top or from behind.)
It could help if you learn to give yourself orgasms this way or at least enjoy the sensations while having femoral intercourse. You are in complete control and there’s no need to worry about his penis going inside your vagina as long as he agrees to not try.
5. Consider purchasing two or three penis-shaped objects or dildos that range in size from small to large. Start by lubing up your vagina and the smallest dildo. Once you become comfortable inserting the dildo and moving it around inside your vagina, move up to the next size. But never move up to the next bigger size until you are completely comfortable with the current sized dildo. This should be done over several weeks and not all in one night. Try having an orgasm with the dildos inside your vagina.
6. Once you are comfortable with these steps, have your partner rest the head of his well-lubed penis at the opening of your vagina, but no farther. A day or two later, have him move in about a quarter-of-an-inch if it is comfortable for you. No thrusting unless you want it. Try just a little extra each time you are together, as long you feel comfortable with it. Stop if you feel pain.
If he wears a condom, it might help his penis slide more easily, as long as you coat it with lots of condom-friendly lube.
As for intercourse positions, you’ll want to be really conservative. Stay with the classic missionary position where you are on your back and your legs are slightly spread. Avoid rear-entry positions and stay away from anything where your legs are flexed. Flexing your knees will compress or shorten the available thrusting space in your vagina. You almost might find that having an orgasm before intercourse helps to relax it more.
To help prevent pain that’s associated with deep-thrusting, your BF can put a gasket around the base of your partner’s penis that can shorten the plunging depth. You can try using something like this gasket which may not be wide enough to fit a really think penis, or cut an inch or two off the end of The Maven and use it as a gasket.
If none of this helps, you might try finding a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic pain, or accept the fact that his penis isn’t going to fit. Learn to have great sex by getting each other off in other ways besides intercourse. You might find you end up having a better sex life than a lot of couples who can have intercourse.
Click here for Dr. Myrtle’s response to a similar question over at a Woman’s Touch.